photo credit: Cameron Cassa

After a suicide you will hear phrases like “I never saw it coming”, “there were no clues”, “I didn’t know they were depressed”, “ouf of the blue”. So what is the key to seeing it coming, finding the clues and knowing what depression is? Hindsight.

What do I mean by hindsight? Hindsight is usually the knowledge and wisdom you get by looking behind you at the events leading up to the conclusion, in this case a suicide. So how can we use hindsight, as a tool?

Study your loved ones. If something seems out of character, unusual, they become quiet and reserved suddenly, or you notice it more and more, ask yourself what is going on now – don’t wait until after. This does not mean to turn into a paranoid nervous wreck, but it means to be aware.

Why do we ignore these changes in character? There are many reasons but I’ll outline the first few that I know.

1. We’re scared

We don’t like change.  We don’t like to face things that are hard.  We don’t want terrible things to happen to us or to our loved ones so even though there maybe a little nervous twitch in our bellies about something, we don’t act on it.

2. We may be wrong

There’s nothing worse than an intervention on someone who is perfectly fine and just having a bad day.  We don’t trust our own judgements or knowledge of a situation or the person in it.

3. We may be right

This section is not for the faint hearted but those who can be honest with themselves.  We may be right and we may want it to happen.  Sometimes situations are difficult and it seems that it would be easier if the person just wasn’t there anymore, they may be using it as leverage to manipulate you.  So go ahead and do it.

In any case, suicide is preventable.  But it takes enormous courage, not from those who are about to do it, but from those around them who can offer a hand but don’t, can’t or won’t.   If you can’t stop them or don’t have the personal tools to approach the person, find someone who can, talk to someone about your fears, let their doctor know that you think they may be depressed.  At least then, if the worst happens, you won’t be standing at the funeral saying “if  only I had done something”.

A final word, sometimes, even if you do ‘everything you can’, it’s still not enough. More on that in another post.

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