photo credit: Grantsviews

When we had kids, we came to an arrangement.  I would do all the poo and vomit and he would do the teeth and nails, because I’m totally squeamish about teeth and nails.  I know, I don’t understand it either, but there you are.

So now I’m on my own, I get the full joy of pulling out those wobbly bleeding teeth of my now ten year old, who thankfully doesn’t have many of them left, but I’ve dealt with the last five years worth of them.  Also the cutting of the toe nails which I can never do right and almost always ends in tears, both of ours.  The ten year old for nearly losing his toes, and me for causing him so much pain and anguish and for being the one who has to do it even though we had a deal.

Last night I made myself some prawns.  I saw a really quick nice recipe on Everyday Italian and decided to try it.  I totally forgot about the preparation that goes into prawns when I bought six green prawns from the fishmonger.   When I unwrapped the package I was face to face, literally, with six green bug eyed prawns that I would now have to de-head, de-vein and then cook.  OMG another deal breaker I had forgotten all about.  Whenever we had prawns together, he would always de-head and de-vein them and I would cook them.  No wonder I haven’t made them myself for so long.  Funny the things you forget I guess.

Anyway I so didn’t want to eat the bloody prawns after I succesfully de-headed them and cleaned their tracts.  I also washed them for good measure, because I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten a bad prawn, but I have, and I choose death over eating another one.  So I am super careful and very suspect about every single prawn.

I ate five of the six once I’d grilled them and sauced them with pesto and lemon.  They were delicious I guess but they

made me feel sick as I was eating them, remembering the preparation I had to do.  If I’m to do it again, I will ask for them already done, but I think it will be a very long time before I do that again.

It got me thinking though how suicide itself is a deal breaker.  The worst of all marriage vows to break, aside from the small deals you make with each other, like the nails versus poo.  Til death do us part has been chosen by a partner, so miserable in your life that they chose death instead.  Pretty severe.  I’ve done my therapy and I believe it wasn’t because I was a bad wife, but there is always a hint of doubt I guess.  The most predominant emotion is anger, again, that above everything else he had promised to be with me, to help me raise our children, to open jars, fix the television, check out the weird noises at night and kill spiders.  All that is left to me now, and it sucks sometimes and I will have trouble ever believing another human being when they tell me, they’ll be here for me.

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Once you get married, it guarantees you a partner in life.  There’s always going to be someone there to scratch your back, pick you up when you fall over, encourage you through those hard times.

When your partner dies unexpectedly however, this changes everything.  Everything you thought about life, love and marriage has finished and you have to calve out a new life for yourself and your children.

When you have children, the burdens of your life have just doubled instantly.  It’s up to you alone to raise your children.  Something that you entered into as a partnership, now relies on you sailing solo to complete, and it scares you – a lot.

Whether your partner dies, or you separate through divorce, there is a grieving process that takes place.  You grieve for what you had, what you believed you would have, and what you thought your life, as a family, would be like.

While trying to cope with this grief, you also have the responsibility of caring for your children, immediately.  They don’t tend to wait, nor understand that you are upset over life’s more complex issues.

This means a huge amount of sacrifice on your part, the parent.  You need to put your feelings on the back burner while you make toast, get school lunches ready, sort out the house stuff, get to work and keep your career on track, get the kids to their after school activities – somehow, get home, talk to the kids about their day, get their homework done, discuss any peer issues they may be having, not to mention getting dinner on the table, then dealing with any household bills, getting the laundry on, and then – going to bed so you can do it all again tomorrow.

If this load isn’t enough, it is almost unbearable because your partner is not there to talk it over with, to share some of the load.  It is a crushing burden and you feel like you can’t make it on your own.

This is the time to forge your friendships and work on the ones that may have lapsed during your relationship phase.  You will need to have people around so you don’t feel so isolated.  You need to be able to phone a friend in times when it all feels too much to handle – and it will – often.

You need to have someone that you can talk to about your children’s issues so that you can judge that you’re doing the right thing.

Socialising is so important for you now more than ever.  Try not to burden your workmates with your domestic life, unless you have a close friend already at work that you can talk to about this stuff.  Otherwise, your work will suffer and your employer will get nervous about your ability to balance work and home.  I’ve seen it happen.  It’s harsh and true.

Try to make a day/evening a week or every two weeks that is just your time to get together with friends or go out to see a movie or whatever you choose.  It only needs to be a couple of hours, but make it happen and don’t let anything else take that time away from you i.e. don’t let one of your children’s activities take that time away from you.  Permanently book it in your diary.

This will allow you some special time to yourself to rejuvenate and indulge yourself.  It may be a nice meal out somewhere, a spa treatment, a coffee with friends.  Whatever it is, it will allow you that time to cope with the isolation that occurs when you are on your own with children.  It’s easy to put yourself second in this situation.  What you need to remember though, is that if you don’t function, the whole family will suffer.  You have to keep yourself on track, nourish and spoil yourself occasionally.  You need to make that time because your partner is no longer around to point it out to you, or spoil and surprise you, so you have to do it for yourself instead.

Initially this can make you feel a little sad.  But in the long run it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.  Make a date with yourself and your friends to have some laughs and share the load of being on your own.  It will make the world of difference to your life.

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When a relationship that has children involved breaks down, there are a lot of processes for everyone to go through.  The children are upset because their life has been turned upside down and they must adjust to sudden change.  However the parent is also suffering from extreme loss, disappointment and heartache.  In this they may also feel scared and worried about how they are going to cope in the future, how they are going to manage financially and also how they are going to manage the children’s emotional needs.

The most important person to take care of first is you, the parent.  If you don’t work, nothing does.  You need to deal with your emotions over the breakdown of your relationship first and foremost and as quickly as possible.  This is not easy to do, even without children, but once children are in the picture, you owe it to them, and yourself as a parent, to cope with these emotions as best as you can.  You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you had planned for yourself and your partner.

Then you need to re-formulate your plan for the future.  Don’t stress over this too much.  Looking too far ahead can cause unnecessary worry.  Concentrate on one month at a time for the first little while.  You will have too much on your plate to plan ahead to your children’s weddings and how you’re going to organise and pay for those.  I know you do it, because I do too.

I learned to breathe and get through the day, and sometimes that’s all you can do.  But you need to get through the day with the least amount of damage and emotional outbursts on your children.  It’s hard.  We all lose our tempers from time to time as a single parent, just from the normal pressure of the situation.  But when you’re dealing with emotions, these outbursts can be more significant and toxic to your environment.

You may not be able to ‘solve’ your issues for some time and that’s OK too.  What you need to do is find an outlet that allows you to ‘dump’ these emotions and worries somewhere that won’t affect your household.  Try exercising or meditating, taking long walks, listening to music, whatever it is that you think will allow you an emotional outlet.  A release valve.  This will help you manage your temper and the pressure times around dinner time and morning time when the pressure is on to get everyone out the door, or times when you feel especially tired.

You will need a lot of extra energy to deal with your children’s emotional responses to the situation and you have to keep your emotions out of it.  Listen and support them as much as possible but make sure your emotions don’t enter into the conversation.  To do this, you have to formulate a plan that makes sure this doesn’t happen.

Engage a counsellor or join a support group where you can air your grievances and resolve some of your own issues or talk about your worry for the future. Let your family help you or don’t be afraid to ask for help, like asking one of your family members to take them for dinner one night during the week, so you can have a breather.

A combination of one or more of these measures will help you, the parent, balance yourself and manage your family.  Changes need to evolve and there are always teething problems.  Ensure that your emotions are one area that you take control of, so they don’t take control of the situation.

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