photo credit: Grantsviews

When we had kids, we came to an arrangement.  I would do all the poo and vomit and he would do the teeth and nails, because I’m totally squeamish about teeth and nails.  I know, I don’t understand it either, but there you are.

So now I’m on my own, I get the full joy of pulling out those wobbly bleeding teeth of my now ten year old, who thankfully doesn’t have many of them left, but I’ve dealt with the last five years worth of them.  Also the cutting of the toe nails which I can never do right and almost always ends in tears, both of ours.  The ten year old for nearly losing his toes, and me for causing him so much pain and anguish and for being the one who has to do it even though we had a deal.

Last night I made myself some prawns.  I saw a really quick nice recipe on Everyday Italian and decided to try it.  I totally forgot about the preparation that goes into prawns when I bought six green prawns from the fishmonger.   When I unwrapped the package I was face to face, literally, with six green bug eyed prawns that I would now have to de-head, de-vein and then cook.  OMG another deal breaker I had forgotten all about.  Whenever we had prawns together, he would always de-head and de-vein them and I would cook them.  No wonder I haven’t made them myself for so long.  Funny the things you forget I guess.

Anyway I so didn’t want to eat the bloody prawns after I succesfully de-headed them and cleaned their tracts.  I also washed them for good measure, because I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten a bad prawn, but I have, and I choose death over eating another one.  So I am super careful and very suspect about every single prawn.

I ate five of the six once I’d grilled them and sauced them with pesto and lemon.  They were delicious I guess but they

made me feel sick as I was eating them, remembering the preparation I had to do.  If I’m to do it again, I will ask for them already done, but I think it will be a very long time before I do that again.

It got me thinking though how suicide itself is a deal breaker.  The worst of all marriage vows to break, aside from the small deals you make with each other, like the nails versus poo.  Til death do us part has been chosen by a partner, so miserable in your life that they chose death instead.  Pretty severe.  I’ve done my therapy and I believe it wasn’t because I was a bad wife, but there is always a hint of doubt I guess.  The most predominant emotion is anger, again, that above everything else he had promised to be with me, to help me raise our children, to open jars, fix the television, check out the weird noises at night and kill spiders.  All that is left to me now, and it sucks sometimes and I will have trouble ever believing another human being when they tell me, they’ll be here for me.

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Suicide is a tragic waste.  I think we can all agree on that.  What I believe is more tragic is the community response to suicide.

There is a perception in the mainstream media that to talk about suicide will increase it.  This has been backed up by small increases in suicides after the suicides of popular celebrities (Coban for example). Suicide is seen as contagious to those who are vulnerable to influence.

How then, as a community can we act to protect, help or heal those vulnerable amongst us?  Rather than not talk about the disease that is killing a group of us, how can we talk to move change?

AIDS was not talked about for a long time, until its numbers increased to the point where all humanity was threatened, and then all of a sudden it was all anyone could talk about.  Suicide is, unfortunately, taking the same road, but no-one will talk about it.

Suicide accounts for the highest number of deaths among males 17-25 outside of motor vehicle accidents, and was the number two killer, for a while, of men 40-45.

These are only the clear cut cases we know about.  Reporting of suicides on death certificates, which then account for the ABS (statistics) figures are grey.

There seems to be a Darwinist stream that runs among us, where those who can survive turn a blind eye to those who aren’t ‘strong enough’ to make it.  Until this attitude changes amongst us as humans, suicide will always be ranked in the top 5 killers.

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If you’ve lost your partner through death, along with the normal emotions associated with grieving, the issue of mortality becomes more poignant and we realise that something may also happen to us and what will happen to the children if it does?  How would they cope?  Where would they live?

These questions can keep a single parent awake at night for hours, worrying about what will/could/should happen.  It’s natural.  As a single parent you take on all the burdens and worries.  So let’s look at how to deal with mortality.

Try to live your life consciously and to do what pleases you as much as you can that is practical in your circumstance.  Parenting takes the priority, as we know, but try to make that special time just for yourself so you can enjoy your own life along the way.

Make a will.  I haven’t met anyone who actually ever wanted to do this but once you have children, and you are the sole guardian, it is imperative that you leave clear instructions as to what is to happen to your children.

Find a guardian, either within the family or not.  Discuss the issue with the guardian and make sure they are happy to take on that responsibility, and then draw up a will outlining those instructions.

Let the children know.  This is really important to do even though it is probably something you never want to even discuss with them.

Children of single parent families due to death are far more aware of the potential loss of the remaining parent.  It is important for them to know that although nothing will probably happen to you, if it ever does, this is who will take care of them. It gives them a sense of security knowing that everything will be alright – just in case.

This is one of the hardest things that parents have to face but as a single parent, you owe it to yourself and your children to take care of this matter.  It will help you sleep at night knowing that it is taken care of.

Once the guardianship issue is dealt with, make sure your financial documents are in a safe place and your children or their guardian knows where that is.  Again the children will feel better knowing that their lives will still continue on in some form.  It’s a purely psychological measure, but it does help.

It will also help you in your level of worry.  Once the worst case scenario has been covered and you’ve put measures in place, it’s one less thing to keep you awake at night.  Believe me as a single parent, there will be plenty of other things to keep you awake as time goes on.

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