Once you get married, it guarantees you a partner in life. There’s always going to be someone there to scratch your back, pick you up when you fall over, encourage you through those hard times.
When your partner dies unexpectedly however, this changes everything. Everything you thought about life, love and marriage has finished and you have to calve out a new life for yourself and your children.
When you have children, the burdens of your life have just doubled instantly. It’s up to you alone to raise your children. Something that you entered into as a partnership, now relies on you sailing solo to complete, and it scares you – a lot.
Whether your partner dies, or you separate through divorce, there is a grieving process that takes place. You grieve for what you had, what you believed you would have, and what you thought your life, as a family, would be like.
While trying to cope with this grief, you also have the responsibility of caring for your children, immediately. They don’t tend to wait, nor understand that you are upset over life’s more complex issues.
This means a huge amount of sacrifice on your part, the parent. You need to put your feelings on the back burner while you make toast, get school lunches ready, sort out the house stuff, get to work and keep your career on track, get the kids to their after school activities – somehow, get home, talk to the kids about their day, get their homework done, discuss any peer issues they may be having, not to mention getting dinner on the table, then dealing with any household bills, getting the laundry on, and then – going to bed so you can do it all again tomorrow.
If this load isn’t enough, it is almost unbearable because your partner is not there to talk it over with, to share some of the load. It is a crushing burden and you feel like you can’t make it on your own.
This is the time to forge your friendships and work on the ones that may have lapsed during your relationship phase. You will need to have people around so you don’t feel so isolated. You need to be able to phone a friend in times when it all feels too much to handle – and it will – often.
You need to have someone that you can talk to about your children’s issues so that you can judge that you’re doing the right thing.
Socialising is so important for you now more than ever. Try not to burden your workmates with your domestic life, unless you have a close friend already at work that you can talk to about this stuff. Otherwise, your work will suffer and your employer will get nervous about your ability to balance work and home. I’ve seen it happen. It’s harsh and true.
Try to make a day/evening a week or every two weeks that is just your time to get together with friends or go out to see a movie or whatever you choose. It only needs to be a couple of hours, but make it happen and don’t let anything else take that time away from you i.e. don’t let one of your children’s activities take that time away from you. Permanently book it in your diary.
This will allow you some special time to yourself to rejuvenate and indulge yourself. It may be a nice meal out somewhere, a spa treatment, a coffee with friends. Whatever it is, it will allow you that time to cope with the isolation that occurs when you are on your own with children. It’s easy to put yourself second in this situation. What you need to remember though, is that if you don’t function, the whole family will suffer. You have to keep yourself on track, nourish and spoil yourself occasionally. You need to make that time because your partner is no longer around to point it out to you, or spoil and surprise you, so you have to do it for yourself instead.
Initially this can make you feel a little sad. But in the long run it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your family. Make a date with yourself and your friends to have some laughs and share the load of being on your own. It will make the world of difference to your life.
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