When a relationship that has children involved breaks down, there are a lot of processes for everyone to go through. The children are upset because their life has been turned upside down and they must adjust to sudden change. However the parent is also suffering from extreme loss, disappointment and heartache. In this they may also feel scared and worried about how they are going to cope in the future, how they are going to manage financially and also how they are going to manage the children’s emotional needs.
The most important person to take care of first is you, the parent. If you don’t work, nothing does. You need to deal with your emotions over the breakdown of your relationship first and foremost and as quickly as possible. This is not easy to do, even without children, but once children are in the picture, you owe it to them, and yourself as a parent, to cope with these emotions as best as you can. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you had planned for yourself and your partner.
Then you need to re-formulate your plan for the future. Don’t stress over this too much. Looking too far ahead can cause unnecessary worry. Concentrate on one month at a time for the first little while. You will have too much on your plate to plan ahead to your children’s weddings and how you’re going to organise and pay for those. I know you do it, because I do too.
I learned to breathe and get through the day, and sometimes that’s all you can do. But you need to get through the day with the least amount of damage and emotional outbursts on your children. It’s hard. We all lose our tempers from time to time as a single parent, just from the normal pressure of the situation. But when you’re dealing with emotions, these outbursts can be more significant and toxic to your environment.
You may not be able to ‘solve’ your issues for some time and that’s OK too. What you need to do is find an outlet that allows you to ‘dump’ these emotions and worries somewhere that won’t affect your household. Try exercising or meditating, taking long walks, listening to music, whatever it is that you think will allow you an emotional outlet. A release valve. This will help you manage your temper and the pressure times around dinner time and morning time when the pressure is on to get everyone out the door, or times when you feel especially tired.
You will need a lot of extra energy to deal with your children’s emotional responses to the situation and you have to keep your emotions out of it. Listen and support them as much as possible but make sure your emotions don’t enter into the conversation. To do this, you have to formulate a plan that makes sure this doesn’t happen.
Engage a counsellor or join a support group where you can air your grievances and resolve some of your own issues or talk about your worry for the future. Let your family help you or don’t be afraid to ask for help, like asking one of your family members to take them for dinner one night during the week, so you can have a breather.
A combination of one or more of these measures will help you, the parent, balance yourself and manage your family. Changes need to evolve and there are always teething problems. Ensure that your emotions are one area that you take control of, so they don’t take control of the situation.
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