Strictly Anguish

photo credit: A. Strakey

Yesterday I noticed this tweet in my stream “macleanbrendan Brendan Maclean :Thinking of Matt Golinski. It’s a wonder the body does not simply shut down after such a dreadful event, how could life possibly go on.”

and responded with this “ @macleanbrendan the body does shut down, well the brain at least for a little while, absolute tragedy agreed. ”

On reflecting overnight I feel it needs a little more attention.

You can get the whole backstory of Matt Golinski here and the tragic housefire that has changed his life forever.

Brendan asked whether the body just couldn’t shut down in times like these. And it does but not in the way you might think.

When we come across such stories we first look outwardly at the person who is suffering and feel empathy for their loss and wonder how they could possibly cope. This wonder leads us to look inwardly, on how we would cope and if we could at all. The body ‘shutting down’ is an easy out for this type of pain. We can’t imagine surviving it.

But you walk around in acute anguish until one day it is bearable to hear what someone is saying to you. You have been “present” but not “here”. Your mind has locked down what it can’t hear and is replaying in full colour the tragedy that has occurred. There is no escape from it. It is burned on your retina like a sunspot as you close your eyes, it is all you see. It is all that is in your dreams as you replay it over and over, trying to reconcile what has happened. It is irreconcilable but your brain continues to try to ‘sort and file it’, until one day, it surrenders.

The fog lifts, the pain is bearable, but your emotions are non existent. You may smile, but you don’t feel joy. You may feel sorrow for someone else, but you can’t weep. Something may be of interest, but there is no passion.

And then, there is. The time this takes may be years, decades, months or weeks. But it is never instant. No consoling words will make this process faster, no magic cure in Kubler Ross. Only time.

Carry on.