Once you get married, it guarantees you a partner in life.  There’s always going to be someone there to scratch your back, pick you up when you fall over, encourage you through those hard times.

When your partner dies unexpectedly however, this changes everything.  Everything you thought about life, love and marriage has finished and you have to calve out a new life for yourself and your children.

When you have children, the burdens of your life have just doubled instantly.  It’s up to you alone to raise your children.  Something that you entered into as a partnership, now relies on you sailing solo to complete, and it scares you – a lot.

Whether your partner dies, or you separate through divorce, there is a grieving process that takes place.  You grieve for what you had, what you believed you would have, and what you thought your life, as a family, would be like.

While trying to cope with this grief, you also have the responsibility of caring for your children, immediately.  They don’t tend to wait, nor understand that you are upset over life’s more complex issues.

This means a huge amount of sacrifice on your part, the parent.  You need to put your feelings on the back burner while you make toast, get school lunches ready, sort out the house stuff, get to work and keep your career on track, get the kids to their after school activities – somehow, get home, talk to the kids about their day, get their homework done, discuss any peer issues they may be having, not to mention getting dinner on the table, then dealing with any household bills, getting the laundry on, and then – going to bed so you can do it all again tomorrow.

If this load isn’t enough, it is almost unbearable because your partner is not there to talk it over with, to share some of the load.  It is a crushing burden and you feel like you can’t make it on your own.

This is the time to forge your friendships and work on the ones that may have lapsed during your relationship phase.  You will need to have people around so you don’t feel so isolated.  You need to be able to phone a friend in times when it all feels too much to handle – and it will – often.

You need to have someone that you can talk to about your children’s issues so that you can judge that you’re doing the right thing.

Socialising is so important for you now more than ever.  Try not to burden your workmates with your domestic life, unless you have a close friend already at work that you can talk to about this stuff.  Otherwise, your work will suffer and your employer will get nervous about your ability to balance work and home.  I’ve seen it happen.  It’s harsh and true.

Try to make a day/evening a week or every two weeks that is just your time to get together with friends or go out to see a movie or whatever you choose.  It only needs to be a couple of hours, but make it happen and don’t let anything else take that time away from you i.e. don’t let one of your children’s activities take that time away from you.  Permanently book it in your diary.

This will allow you some special time to yourself to rejuvenate and indulge yourself.  It may be a nice meal out somewhere, a spa treatment, a coffee with friends.  Whatever it is, it will allow you that time to cope with the isolation that occurs when you are on your own with children.  It’s easy to put yourself second in this situation.  What you need to remember though, is that if you don’t function, the whole family will suffer.  You have to keep yourself on track, nourish and spoil yourself occasionally.  You need to make that time because your partner is no longer around to point it out to you, or spoil and surprise you, so you have to do it for yourself instead.

Initially this can make you feel a little sad.  But in the long run it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.  Make a date with yourself and your friends to have some laughs and share the load of being on your own.  It will make the world of difference to your life.

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Children need discipline and a routine helps as well.  But when you’re on your own, this can be hard to manage.  It usually helps when there is someone there to back you up, to support your decisions, or to be the second voice against the arguments and debate that come from the children against their punishments.

Being alone in this can be a double edged sword.  At times it can be liberating because your word is law, what you say goes.  Usually the kids learn this and understand that whatever your decision is, it’s final.  Sometimes we don’t always agree with our spouse over matters of discipline or how to handle a situation and this can lead to arguments with each other, not to mention the arguments with the children.

So sometimes being alone in this is easier.  You miss out on a whole discussion on how to handle a matter.  You simply decide and then enforce.

But there are times when you just don’t know what to do, when you need to discuss scenarios with your partner or wonder what they would have wanted.  Or the child in question is particularly rebellious and you just can’t handle it on your own.

This is when being a single parent is extremely difficult and you need to put some steps in place to help you get through this.

Try to touch base with other parents in the same situation.  There are many single parent groups around now that can offer support and where friendships can be forged.

However not all of us have the time to devote to these groups or even want to.  That’s OK there are other avenues to investigate.  Lean on your friends, your children’s relatives, aunties and uncles, to help reinforce what you’re saying or back you up in the discipline department.

Your children’s friends are actually a great resource to use for backup.  Especially with the teenagers if they are trying to stretch the boundaries a little.  Check with their parents to see what they think about the situation, whether they are allowing their teenagers to attend an event or whatever the circumstances are.  You can use this in an argument for or against what you want.

Get yourself a counsellor that you can talk these issues over with openly without fear of what they are going to think of you.

Go online to parent forums.  It doesn’t have to be just for single parents either.  Just because you’re a single parent, it doesn’t exclude you from dual parenting advice.  Listen to what everyone is saying and how they handle situations and then take on what works for you and what you feel comfortable in being able to apply to your situation.

Children’s discipline is a hard issue for all parents no matter whether they are single or dual parenting.  The one thing all parents need to get right is for their children to understand their boundaries.  Once you set those boundaries in concrete, it won’t matter whether you are a single parent or whether that circumstance changes, your children will know exactly what they can and can’t get away with.

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