photo credit: Martin Lopatka

Today I am not well.  My body is yelling at me to rest.  My legs are aching as if they’ve been punched by a tribe of angry pygmies. It is the familiar ache of chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia that is creeping its way back at the end of an exhausting year.

2011 sucked – for everyone.  It started badly and got worse.  Most everyone I know lost something or someone in all the natural disasters that occurred.  Businesses went broke, we all went further into debt just to buy petrol and groceries whose prices soared throughout the year. We worked harder than usual because there was more to do in the same amount of time.

I spent 12 hours a day away from my family and home to make a living that doesn’t meet the ends and now my body, having tasted the rest I have given it for the past two weeks on holidays, is yelling at me to stay down, don’t get up – but like Rocky, I have no choice.  I have to get up, I have three kids (almost 2 as one has left school this year) to house and feed and support – failure is not an option.

But as my legs ache, and my hopelessness grows about the prospect of returning to those 12 hour days of work and travel in two more weeks, I do not know, cannot fathom, how I am going to do it.

Carry on.

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photo credit: A. Strakey

Yesterday I noticed this tweet in my stream “macleanbrendan Brendan Maclean :Thinking of Matt Golinski. It’s a wonder the body does not simply shut down after such a dreadful event, how could life possibly go on.”

and responded with this “ @macleanbrendan the body does shut down, well the brain at least for a little while, absolute tragedy agreed. ”

On reflecting overnight I feel it needs a little more attention.

You can get the whole backstory of Matt Golinski here and the tragic housefire that has changed his life forever.

Brendan asked whether the body just couldn’t shut down in times like these. And it does but not in the way you might think.

When we come across such stories we first look outwardly at the person who is suffering and feel empathy for their loss and wonder how they could possibly cope.  This wonder leads us to look inwardly, on how we would cope and if we could at all.  The body ‘shutting down’ is an easy out for this type of pain.  We can’t imagine surviving it.

But you walk around in acute anguish until one day it is bearable to hear what someone is saying to you.  You have been “present” but not “here”.  Your mind has locked down what it can’t hear and is replaying in full colour the tragedy that has occurred.  There is no escape from it. It is burned on your retina like a sunspot as you close your eyes, it is all you see.  It is all that is in your dreams as you replay it over and over, trying to reconcile what has happened. It is irreconcilable but your  brain continues to try to ‘sort and file it’,  until one day, it surrenders.

The fog lifts, the pain is bearable, but your emotions are non existent.  You may smile, but you don’t feel joy.  You may feel sorrow for someone else, but you can’t weep.  Something may be of interest, but there is no passion.

And then, there is.  The time this takes may be years, decades, months or weeks.  But it is never instant. No consoling words will make this process faster, no magic cure in Kubler Ross.  Only time.

Carry on.

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photo credit: Therese N. Photography

I have an irrational fear of many things and I’ve also overcome many of them.  My fear of mushrooms for example – I had mushroom risotto tonight for dinner.  I don’t know why I fear mushrooms so badly but I couldn’t go near them for years.  Now – not so much.

Lately I’ve had an irrational fear of success and failure.  Not so sure that my fear of failure is so irrational, but as times as they are, it’s easy to be fearful about losing everything and not being able to provide.

Fear of success on the other hand, is far more absolutely irrational.  I found myself unable to write at all.  My head was full of ideas and characters, as it always is, but I could not bring myself to write any of it down.  I did not want to have it end, or have it on paper for someone to read and ridicule me, or worse, praise me and want to publish it and make me lots of money so all my fears would evaporate.

But the little voice says, what if you’re insanely successful and you have to write another novel, and you can’t, what do you do then?  What if people hate what you right, even though enough like it to make you incredibly successful, what about the ones that hate it? I don’t want anyone to be mad at me, or to criticise me.

So not being able to take criticism means I should just sit in my darkened room and only go out for food and water I guess.

Totally irrational fears but they were crippling me.

So today I wrote anyway. And who cares if it never sees the light of day.  The question that got me going in the end was – what option do you have? What you’re doing now is not working, so try something different. And you know, time is running out.

So mostly to see if I can and also to shut the voices up in my head from a) arguing with me about whether to or not and b) all the characters and lines that keep swirling around in my head, I started writing again, really writing, with no end in sight, only the circumstances and the characters are there and from here, anything is possible, and I really don’t mind if it sucks because for now, there’s just me, my keyboard, my spell check, some coffee and the dog and one irrational fear on its way out the door.

Carry on.

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photo credit: tienvijftien

We make choices every day. Some of them good and some bad.  Today I made another choice.  I chose to stay home with my son, so stressed out about some homework, that we was crying uncontrollably for half an hour.  It’s not easy to explain to this choice to an employer.

I’ve had a bad run lately. Had to take several days off for sickness in kids, myself and some mental health days for my kids.  Grief is a fickle beast, it rears its head unexpectedly when you think it is dormant for the duration.  It’s not an easy choice to make – financial stability against emotional stability – but I made it again today.

This choice could have dire consequences for my family.  I might lose my job – but I hope I don’t – not yet anyway.  I don’t have a suitable replacement.  Being away from home for 12 hours a day is not ideal, especially when I’m not appreciated it for what I do.  I know we all have a wah about not being appreciated at work – it is a sign of the times I think.  Just do your job, it is what is expected, everyone has to go the extra mile, you can choose not to do this if you want, but employment security in today’s market demands it I think.

I’ll keep looking for work closer to home and if the worst happens, I’ll deal with it.  We will all deal with it as a family.  If I have to scale down I will.  There are lots if things that could be worse.

But the worst thing that I can imagine, is watching my child break emotionally, because I wasn’t there to support them.  That is the choice I will always make – I will be there if they need me, and let them deal with things, when they need to.

Not an easy choice to make in today’s world.  But I have made it now and as my dad used to say – now you suffer the consequences – whatever they may be.

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Yesterday I finished reading a great book on intuition and began my meditation exercises again in earnest.  I used to meditate quite a great deal, but life seems to get in the way and I’m much busier stressing out than stressing down.

My dilemma is of course the balance between work and home.  I basically don’t want to have to go to work, but I need to earn a living. I’ve worked at home previously and there are still a few opportunities to do so, but I go a bit batshit with it so people are good for me – that much I know – at least in smallish doses.  Regular paychecks and benefits also have their place in my life to keep stress levels at a minimum.  My children are more important though – this much is crystal clear.

Financially it’s not really working out either.  Yesterday, the day before payday, both my accounts declined when I tried to get my daughter’s medication and I scraped up the change from my bag to cover it, while everyone in the line looked on in frustration.  Yes it’s embarrassing, but hell it’s not like I don’t work or anything.

Anyway my intuitive answer this morning was this “the answer is at work’.  Mmm this will be interesting.  Either they’ll be an email in my inbox which sends me over the edge and I walk out hoping for the best, or I’m supposed to just stay there and suck it all up.  All I know is at this point in my life, the routine I have is slowly killing me and I can’t see the way out for now except to accept the circumstances I am given and do what I have to do.

Carry on.

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photo credit: Steve-h

Today was not the best day.  All of my kids are in various stages of melt down.  My youngest didn’t want to go to school unless I was going to be home when he got here – this meant a day off work – another one.  My middle child is in stressed out mode over four assignments that are due and is also fighting off the dreaded bug.  My eldest is still adjusting to her new medication and recovering from her emotional melt down on Sunday.

So today I stayed at home, listened to kids throughout the day and tried to work out how the hell I can maintain a career (read admin/researcher job that I barely hold onto because of all the time I take off), keep the kids on track and at school when they want to give up, give them hope that not everything turns out badly and cook dinner.

Today was a struggle for sure.  I don’t know how to keep going with all this – giving up is not an option just so you know – but I truly don’t know how I’m going to get through the rest of this year and then the next six to get them all through school and uni, keep a roof over our heads and give them enough of me when they need it.

It’s a struggle – no other word for it – and by no means the worse struggle in the world but everything is relative and although my thoughts do wander to those poor women carrying water on their heads, my burden feels no less compelling.

Carry on.

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photo credit: Marquis Lewis

Yesterday was a tough day for kids without dads – fathers day.  One of my daughters didn’t do so well and then the other kids went out in sympathy so by mid afternoon my house was a bit solemn but as usual we hung together and did our own thing and got through the day in the safest place in the universe – mum’s bed.

One of the things that made yesterday particularly difficult for my daughter was the lack of understanding of her boyfriend’s mother.  She couldn’t understand why, after six years, she would still be upset (crying uncontrollably actually) over the fact that it was father’s day.

This is the thing with children’s grief – well not only children’s grief, grief in general  - it’s unpredictable. Anything can set it off and things you thought were well and truly dealt with climb up and hit you in the face.  However for children, if they experience a loss very early, they do not have the emotional capacity to understand it, let alone grieve for their loss.

As they develop, they grieve, re-grieve and then fully understand what has happened to them. It’s not as easy as just getting over it, as they don’t know exactly what it is they’re getting over, but this understanding develops over time as their maturity and understanding of the world develops with their age.

I’ve said many times that I will never get over my husband’s death, I have mutated and moved on. As an adult I can choose this option but as a child this is a process that occurs through adolescence – it’s the gift that keeps on giving in a sense.

What is needed here is flexibility and understanding from others around teens and young adults who grieve unexpectedly for a loss that occurred many years before instead of judgement that they should have gotten over it by now.  It doesn’t provide a safe environment for them to grieve and makes them feel even more isolated from the community that they are alone in their grief and no-one understands.  This attitude they face lends itself to more sinister outcomes than an ‘uncomfortable’ morning of having a child cry for ‘no reason’.

Just some more food for thought.

Carry on

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photo credit: sekushy

Yesterday I realised I had one of those perfect Sundays.  I didn’t have to go anywhere, do anything in particular, no drop offs or pick ups – a blank canvas.

And then I started remembering other perfect Sundays, when my husband was still here, and we would laze in bed, have sex, sometimes make love, have breakfast and generally enjoy life with the kids and the acreage property – always something to do – but never earth shattering urgent.

I was very reflective because yesterday was exactly ten years since we landed in Brisbane from Melbourne, with our entire hourse packed into a shipping container, to begin a new life here.  Our marriage had gone through what I thought was the worst part – little did I know it was the beginning of the end.

Anyway to snap myself out of my melancholy, I decided to write myself a new Sunday.  Today, after I wake up a little more and my back is able to bend again – slept badly on it – I’m going for a long walk and then I’m going to find myself a nice coffee shop, buy the Sunday paper – if I had my ipad this travesty would not occur – and take some time out for myself – somehwere near the water I think am very lucky to be so close to it – and begin again.

So what have I been doing for the last six years if not beginning again? Keeping the kids on track, saving my house from the bank, not lying down in a heap and giving up – sounds simplistic when I write it like that, but it took everything I had just to keep getting out of bed everyday.

But now, I think, I can really begin myself – again.

Carry on.

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photo credit: Lorenzo Blangiard

I’ve never really thought about it, but apparently stress during pregnancy may not be so good. Seems a bit obvious really when you think about it.  Stress is never supposed to be good for you.  But then again – everything in moderation right?

But what happens when everyone is under the same stress? There’s a study going on now about the effects of stress in pregnancy for women affected by floods.  It seems that a natural disaster is a really good laboratory for that sort of thing.

Here’s more about it Stress in Pregnancy and if you want to contact the researchers you can do that here Contact the Researchers

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