Strictly Irrational Fear

On October 11, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, by Kathy Rees
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Planetary V
Creative Commons License photo credit: Therese N. Photography

I have an irrational fear of many things and I’ve also overcome many of them.  My fear of mushrooms for example – I had mushroom risotto tonight for dinner.  I don’t know why I fear mushrooms so badly but I couldn’t go near them for years.  Now – not so much.

 

Lately I’ve had an irrational fear of success and failure.  Not so sure that my fear of failure is so irrational, but as times as they are, it’s easy to be fearful about losing everything and not being able to provide.

 

Fear of success on the other hand, is far more absolutely irrational.  I found myself unable to write at all.  My head was full of ideas and characters, as it always is, but I could not bring myself to write any of it down.  I did not want to have it end, or have it on paper for someone to read and ridicule me, or worse, praise me and want to publish it and make me lots of money so all my fears would evaporate.

 

But the little voice says, what if you’re insanely successful and you have to write another novel, and you can’t, what do you do then?  What if people hate what you right, even though enough like it to make you (more…)

 

Strictly Choices

On October 10, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, by Kathy Rees
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Headlines.
Creative Commons License photo credit: tienvijftien

We make choices every day. Some of them good and some bad.  Today I made another choice.  I chose to stay home with my son, so stressed out about some homework, that we was crying uncontrollably for half an hour.  It’s not easy to explain to this choice to an employer.

 

I’ve had a bad run lately. Had to take several days off for sickness in kids, myself and some mental health days for my kids.  Grief is a fickle beast, it rears its head unexpectedly when you think it is dormant for the duration.  It’s not an easy choice to make – financial stability against emotional stability – but I made it again today.

 

This choice could have dire consequences for my family.  I might lose my job – but I hope I don’t – not yet anyway.  I don’t have a suitable replacement.  Being away from home for 12 hours a day is not ideal, especially when I’m not appreciated it for what I do.  I know we all have a wah about not being appreciated at work – it is a sign of the times I think.  Just do your job, it is what is expected, everyone has to go the extra mile, you can choose not to do this if you want, but employment security in today’s market demands it I think.

 

I’ll keep looking for work closer to home and if the worst happens, I’ll deal with it.  We will all deal with it as a family.  If I have to scale down I will.  There are lots if things that could be worse.

 

But the worst thing that I can imagine, is watching my child break emotionally, because I wasn’t there to support them.  That is the choice I will always make – I will be there if they need me, and let them deal with things, when they need to.

 

Not an easy choice to make in today’s world.  But I have made it now and as my dad used to say – now you suffer the consequences – whatever they may be.

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Strictly Monday

On September 26, 2011, in Strictly Living, by Kathy Rees
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I read in my twitter stream, groans about Monday.  I replied to some that maybe they needed to start it again.  And that there was always Tuesday.

 

Got me thinking while I was in the shower though (aren’t showers great for thinking and ideas) that Monday is a state of mind.  Yes, it’s the day that many of us return to jobs after a weekend with family, and a taste what life could be like if we didn’t have to work, but we do, (whatever that is for you, don’t get me started on what work is) so let’s move on.

 

Depending where you’re at on the work front, Monday is either joyous or arduous, and it often depends on the workload at hand, and this outlook can fluctuate.  Today for instance, I’m looking forward to getting all the travel (more…)

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Strictly Doing

On September 25, 2011, in Strictly Living, by Kathy Rees
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Rusty hammer macro
Creative Commons License photo credit: MinimalistPhotography101.com

Lately I’ve been reading Chris Brogan again.  I tend to stay on blogs for a week or two, move on to something else, then sometimes return.  The ones I return to are the ones I find most beneficial and worth reading, so I’ve been floating in and out of Chris Brogan’s stuff for a few years, depending on his content.

His most recent posts focus on the ‘doing’ of things, what stops us, and what we need to do to overcome it.  The crux of it all “DO THE WORK”. Of course this is where a lot of us fall over, we want it to be easier than us actually having to do anything – it is 2011 afterall, life is supposed to be much, much easier.  But it isn’t.  My favourite buddist/esoteric/spiritual quote is “what do you do before enlightenment, you carry water and prepare meals, what do you do after enlightenment, you carry water and prepare meals” or something to that effect – you get my drift.  Just knowing something doesn’t really make much difference unless you apply it.

 

So every time my inner voice is screaming at me to get off the treadmill at gym because it’s too hard, I answer back, “I am doing the work – suck it up” and I do. Writing this post is me ‘doing the work’.  My son spends at least four hours a day practicing his juggling – I know he’s only 11 – but he’s doing the work.  He wants something and he’s doing the work to get it.  Yeah I’m pretty proud momma.

 

Anyway, I still can’t bring myself to finish my two novels, that are left unfinished.  One was actually totally trashed, and deleted after a terrible session on twitter and blog comments which caused me to question whether I was up to facing all the criticism of a mean public, and at the time I wasn’t, (words can mortally wound the fragile heart – Me if you ever want to quote it),  so hitting delete was pretty easy.  But it’s still in my head.  The other is a fiction, much more fun, but still sitting, stewing around.  I let myself get distracted a lot, with things that I do care about, and others that I choose to care about, because I can contribute something.  But really on strong self reflection, it’s just one more of those excuses that Chris Brogan talks about.

 

So the aims for this month are to write a fantastic last assessment piece for my masters and get a high distinction so that I can change to an MPhil and then articulate to my PhD, and once the assessment piece is out of the way, write the shit out of both novels so I can lodge them early next year, March at the latest.  And to achieve this, I have to do the work, and to do that, I might have to let the daily blog posts go, and instead make quality weekly ones, but I’ll see how I go.  Blog posts actually get my brain thinking, and my fingers writing which are both great things for me.

 

So do yourselves the old favour, and check out Chris’ blog and think about what it is you’re not doing and why you’re not doing it.

 

Carry on.

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Strictly Controversial

On September 23, 2011, in Strictly Editorial, by Kathy Rees
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Liam
Creative Commons License photo credit: eyeliam

I nearly didn’t write this post as the lovely Carolyn Hastie @thinkbirth wrote her piece here King Hit on the Funny Bone.  You can catch up on the #hcsmgate tag on twitter to understand what we’re talking about – a group of med students spoke quite inappropriately about patients on twitter.  Carolyn’s article  just about covered all my feelings on the matter except for this.

 

Working in health is bloody hard work.  It can wreck you emotionally, physically and mentally.  It takes a certain mindset to be able to ‘package’ the endless stream of humanity that you face, looking to you for answers and cures for problems that often the patient has caused themselves by their behaviour.

 

So I understand the defence mechanism of black humour used to help, especially younger medical students, cope with what they are seeing, for sometimes the first time.  The difficulty of the human race, the inadequacy of our health systems in the ‘western’ and ‘perfect’ world, are far from perfect and black humour is a way to cope.

 

What is offensive to me and quite unacceptable is the use of this language in the public space.  Not only have they exposed themselves as less than feeling doctors, they have brought disrepute upon the profession.  They have given the public a reason to increase their lack of faith in the medical system.  They have demoralised the human beings occupying those wards, human beings exposed and vulnerable.

 

So I leave this debate asking this question – What if it was your loved one, spouse, mother, sister, daughter, that were being spoken about, in a public space, in this context?  All doctors need to remember from time to time, to place themselves directly in the patient’s shoes, and understand, as a human being, what we all need – a little dignity and respect in our time of need – not to be referred to as a cabbage patch or labia room occupant.

 

 

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Strictly Studying

On September 18, 2011, in Strictly Plans, Strictly Work, by Kathy Rees
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Calligrapher at work
Creative Commons License photo credit: jepoirrier

I’m about a third of my way through my Masters in Health Administration, and wondering whether I should keep going or not.  Firstly it’s very, very costly and it may not pay off in the long run.  Secondly I find it tedious at times, although I do love the thinking part of the whole process.

 

So I began wandering around the universities again to see what else was on offer.  To my surprise there is a new teaching degree to which I qualify to entry to third year, so technically could become a teacher in two years rather than four.  This is very tempting on many levels.  Firstly it’s what I always wanted to be, aside from a nurse which my dad was dead against, and secondly two years is nothing – really – well it is, but it beats four for sure.

 

It’s not as costly as my masters, which I am really only doing so I can go on and do my PhD, to what end I really don’t know except I’ve always wanted one, and now have the actual chance to pursue that.  I’m in a work environment that totally supports that and has about three different projects I could base my PhD on.  Which led me to thinking about changing to an MPhil next year which I could then articulate to a PhD and I’d be done and dusted in three years, versus six or seven.  Very tempting really.

 

However, the whole thing relies on me staying at my job, which although I love, is killing me because of the travel and time away from the kids.  So on one hand, great opportunity, on the other hand heartbreak.

 

Which then led me to really think about why am I even doing it?  What is the ultimate point/goal of it all?  Just because I want it?  Yeah probably.  I’m not going to change the world with what I want to do, maybe some administration and budgetting for new care models, but not the world.  Ultimately, I can more or less afford to live at the moment, even considering my necessary dip into debt for the next few years, I can see my way out of that with steady work and less demands on my finances as my children slowly become independent.  I’ll have their tertiary educations to pay for soon, if that’s something they want, so really should be putting them first.

 

Anyway, again no easy answers here. Have submitted my latest assignment and only one 2500 word essay on resistance and reaction to change, which I have written in my head so just have to sit down and write it all out when the mood strikes.

 

Carry on.

 

Strictly Taboos

On September 17, 2011, in Strictly Living, by Kathy Rees
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My 11 year old is currently learning to juggle.  This is a follow up from his obsession with card tricks, which is excellent at btw.  This first came about after he asked me if he could buy a poker chip and card set so he could learn to deal – his dream at that stage was to become a dealer for poker and 21 at a casino.  He has since moved on.

 

I received a lot of criticism from my daughters about this purchase.  ”you’re teaching him how to gamble”, and what is wrong with that? “well gambling is bad” who says? “it just is”.

 

So then I went on to explain my rationale to my daughters.  For me if you tell someone no, they want it all the more.  If you let a child see, touch and play with something and understand what it is, what it does, and how it works, they either grab onto it with all the interest they can muster and dominate it, or they walk away, their fascination satiated.   This has been my approach to pregnancy tests, condoms, the internet, lego, ben 10, sex, drugs, alcohol.  It’s an open forum, nothing is taboo.

 

So my house is the one that other kids tend to go to when they think they’re pregnant, because there’s always a pregnancy test kit here.  Better to know and make decisions I think, not to not know and do something potentially harmful.

 

Am I doing the right thing? I don’t know.  I don’t think any parent really does know until their kids are adults and they can survey all their teachings.  All I know is if I remove the ‘taboo’ from something, it takes its natural course.  Kids are inquisitive and will always find something else to look into.  If you make it ‘naughty’ or ‘nasty’ they want it all the more.  Don’t get me wrong, I still censor my children from what I think is age inappropriate material as much as possible, but if I can’t see the harm, there is no foul.

 

Carry on.

 

P.S. 11 year old is currently practising juggling four hours a day and is determined to master 4 ball juggling.  He’s been working on it for two weeks.  To me this is focus, goal setting, motivation and action.  If he tires of those qualities, then I’ll worry.

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Strictly Contemplating

On September 16, 2011, in Strictly Editorial, Strictly Mental Health, by Kathy Rees
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Yesterday I had a bit of a tweet fest about #ruokday, something I don’t usually do but something I felt strongly about. Some of the tweets I received in return were quite encouraging, others still missed the point.

 

The main argument that came back to me was that it was a step worth taking.  This is true and false.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s GREAT, FANTASTIC even that mental health is getting a platform, that the taboo is trying to be removed by activities like this.  What is false is what I said yesterday, there is nowhere for people to go to for help.

 

It is a very dangerous thing to give people false hope, especially those vulnerable and in a state of depression.  You can’t offer support half heartedly.  Infrastructure must be in place to support those who are seeking help and support and it simply isn’t there.  We like to think that it is, in fact those of us who have never experienced it believe that it is, believe that anyone (more…)

 

Strictly ruokday

On September 15, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, Strictly Suicide, by Kathy Rees
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“”My fellow twitter pals, are you OK? #ruOKday ”
This was the tweet that tipped the balance as to whether I write this post or not. So here it is – in all its frustrated fury.
RUOKDAY is a dangerous, pathetic attempt by the government to address depression and suicide.  As I tweeted several times already today – what will you do if your friends are not OK?
Where will you send them?  There is a + 6 months wait for hospital to see anyone regarding a depressive or mental illness – unless you present in a truly psychotic state, which may take 3 visits from different specialists to confirm this for you to get a bed, if there is one available.
Are you equipped to deal with someone else’s meltdown?  How will you cope with their depression and can you diagnose it?  Even if you can where will you send them?  To their GP – they may have to wait a few days and then if they get a referral to a psychiatrist, privately you will have to wait anywhere up to 3-6 months for initial consultation and have around $300.o0 to spare.
Don’t believe me?  Recently I had to get an appointment for my daughter and the psychiatrist would not see her unless I paid the full amount up front.  They would not accept the difference between the Medicare rebate and their fee – the ombudsman and Society for Psychiatrists did not care – it’s free trade.  So needless to say, my daughter was not seen.  We waited another six months to see someone who would bulk bill us – but they are still in private practice – we still have her name down for public – it’s been over two years.
So before you ask someone if they are OK, make sure you are prepared for the answer.  Don’t scurry to your ‘well’ friends and say in whispering voices that you think so and so has (more…)
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Strictly Intuition

On September 15, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, Strictly Finance, by Kathy Rees
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Yesterday I finished reading a great book on intuition and began my meditation exercises again in earnest.  I used to meditate quite a great deal, but life seems to get in the way and I’m much busier stressing out than stressing down.

 

My dilemma is of course the balance between work and home.  I basically don’t want to have to go to work, but I need to earn a living. I’ve worked at home previously and there are still a few opportunities to do so, but I go a bit batshit with it so people are good for me – that much I know – at least in smallish doses.  Regular paychecks and benefits also have their place in my life to keep stress levels at a minimum.  My children are more important though – this much is crystal clear.

 

Financially it’s not really working out either.  Yesterday, the day before payday, both my accounts declined when I tried to get my daughter’s medication and I scraped up the change from my bag to cover it, while everyone in the line looked on in frustration.  Yes it’s embarrassing, but hell it’s not like I don’t work or anything.

 

Anyway my intuitive answer this morning was this “the answer is at work’.  Mmm this will be interesting.  Either they’ll be an email in my inbox which sends me over the edge and I walk out hoping for the best, or I’m supposed to just stay there and suck it all up.  All I know is at this point in my life, the routine I have is slowly killing me and I can’t see the way out for now except to accept the circumstances I am given and do what I have to do.

 

Carry on.

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