Strictly Exhaustion

On December 29, 2011, in Strictly Editorial, Strictly Emotional, by Kathy Rees
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Creative Commons License photo credit: Martin Lopatka

Today I am not well.  My body is yelling at me to rest.  My legs are aching as if they’ve been punched by a tribe of angry pygmies. It is the familiar ache of chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia that is creeping its way back at the end of an exhausting year.

 

2011 sucked – for everyone.  It started badly and got worse.  Most everyone I know lost something or someone in all the natural disasters that occurred.  Businesses went broke, we all went further into debt just to buy petrol and groceries whose prices soared throughout the year. We worked harder than usual because there was more to do in the same amount of time.

 

I spent 12 hours a day away from my family and home to make a living that doesn’t meet the ends and now my body, having tasted the rest I have given it for the past two weeks on holidays, is yelling at me to stay down, don’t get up – but like Rocky, I have no choice.  I have to get up, I have three kids (almost 2 as one has left school this year) to house and feed and support – failure is not an option.

 

But as my legs ache, and my hopelessness grows about the prospect of returning to those 12 hour days of work and travel in two more weeks, I do not know, cannot fathom, how I am going to do it.

 

Carry on.

 

Strictly Anguish

On December 27, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, by Kathy Rees
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I Feel Your Pain
Creative Commons License photo credit: A. Strakey

Yesterday I noticed this tweet in my stream “macleanbrendan Brendan Maclean :Thinking of Matt Golinski. It’s a wonder the body does not simply shut down after such a dreadful event, how could life possibly go on.”

and responded with this “ @macleanbrendan the body does shut down, well the brain at least for a little while, absolute tragedy agreed. ”

 

On reflecting overnight I feel it needs a little more attention.

 

You can get the whole backstory of Matt Golinski here and the tragic housefire that has changed his life forever.

 

Brendan asked whether the body just couldn’t shut down in times like these. And it does but not in the way you might think.

 

When we come across such stories we first look outwardly at the person who is suffering and feel empathy for their loss and wonder how they could possibly cope.  This wonder leads us to look inwardly, on how we would cope and if we could at all.  The body ‘shutting down’ is an easy out for this type of pain.  We can’t imagine surviving it.

 

But you walk around in acute anguish until one day it is bearable to hear what someone is saying to you.  You have been “present” but not “here”.  Your mind has locked down what it can’t hear and is replaying in full colour the tragedy that has (more…)

 

Strictly Santa

On December 25, 2011, in Strictly Editorial, by Kathy Rees
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don't stop believing
Creative Commons License photo credit: ryPix

There comes a time in every child’s life that they realise Santa is not ‘real’.  That the gifts left in the santa sack are actually done so by parents or guardians and not the ‘real santa’.  This is an often heartbreaking discovery and if you take a moment, you will remember the time or situation or state of revelation when you discovered that Santa was a myth.

 

For all of us it is different and for all of our upbringings, there is also a different belief in what Santa is, whether he exists or not, the history or the commercialism that is adopted within our own family folktales of xmas.

 

Before I became a parent I was steadfast in my conviction that we would not believe in Santa in our family – that the heartbreak of discovery would be something my children would be ‘saved’ from.  But when I had children, I too was sucked into the void that is Santa as the osmosis of society permeated my children’s belief system and I had to carry on the myth – knowing that one day they would suffer the pain of discovery.

 

This year, my youngest child told me that he knew that Santa wasn’t real and he knew it was me.  And I, like all parents who have fostered a falsehood continued with the lies involuntarily and said, “well in our house, if you don’t believe he doesn’t come”.  And so the santa sacks were laid out and santa came and will continue to do so until all my kids are 3o, a promise I barely remember making at some time after a drunken xmas lunch when speaking with my eldest children, who continue to marvel and adore their youngest sibling’s naive joy that santa had brought him gifts.

 

So what is my advice on the santa myth?  Whatever works for you I guess.  Of all our plans for parenthood, in practicality, none of it actually works and deep down as parents, no matter what we read or believe to be true, we are flying by the seat of our pants in a rapidly changing world where rules and black and white are all blurred into grey, and trying not to scar our children forever – but we will – whether it is with love or deep dark agendas – all will be revealed.  We have to continue to hope that we are going OK and that everything will end up as it should.

 

Merry xmas, happy holidays, enjoy your family time, and for all the widows out there – we rock and we did it again!

 

Carry on

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Strictly Focusing

On November 28, 2011, in Strictly Editorial, by Kathy Rees
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DSC_5428 Agfa Silette 2.8 Apator Lens 26-11-2011
Creative Commons License photo credit: rodtuk

FOCUS – Follow One Course Until Successful.

 

I keep coming across this acronym and it was frying my brain.  How can I pick one course?  I have lots of things that I want to accomplish.  Work and my Masters, Family and successful children, Blogging not sure what the goal there is, and of course Writing – two books screaming for attention.  So which course?  All are equally important to me.

 

So I decided to follow one course within each category and hope for the best.  So for me that means, made the decision on what subjects/masters I will complete – no more second guessing myself JFDI (just frickin do it).  Family – against all odds, this seems to be on track aside from my eldest having a meltdown because she doesn’t know what to do with her life – more on that in another post next week. Blogging – well here I am and have decided to concentrate on this and one other only for now and see how that goes. Writing – making time to finish one book really well and then moving onto the next.

 

When I read it back, sounds like a lot. But time is short and there is much to do.

 

Carry on.

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Strictly Graduating

On November 19, 2011, in Strictly Editorial, by Kathy Rees
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IMG_0502
Creative Commons License photo credit: greghamm15

This week I attended a graduation ceremony for the year 12 class of 2011.  It was an emotional event.  What brought me the most reaction was this however – out of 224 graduating students, only 3 had chosen a future that needed university – a doctor, a midwife and a teacher.  The rest of the graduates wanted to work full time (majority) or finish/start apprenticeships or go to TAFE (technical diploma/certificate) colleges.

 

It made me think about the future that these students believe is possible for themselves.  There is no drive, determination or clarity.  Most are happy to work and see what happens, see where it leads, find what they want.  This attitude is so different to that of ten years ago, where university was everything, law, medicine, commerce were the most privileged and sought after places.

 

I believe we have educated the class of 2011 extremely well.  They understand that the pursuit of law is futile, that commerce and economics are forces that will not be changed by the individual and that medicine, while honorable, is set up in a system that cannot cope with the sick.

 

They are aware that social justice is an enigma, the world is shattered and on the brink of self destruction.  We have over educated them into knowing that anything than a twelve month commitment to anything is fraught with danger.  The world is changing so rapidly that a degree they begin now, can be obsolete by the time they finish – so why bother?

 

At first disturbing, but on reflection, quite enlightened.  I wish the class of 2011 all the very best of luck, they will need it.  Their finest skills – education, ability to adapt, and to think critically.  Well done to their teachers.

 

Carry on.

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Strictly Facebook

On October 24, 2011, in Strictly Internet, by Kathy Rees
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facecook
Creative Commons License photo credit: StefSOFT

I have important work to do.  I have to write a 2500 word essay on the resistance/reaction dichotomy in organisational change to pass my masters, and then I have to write some more chapters in my book.

 

I also have to pay a few bills, do a budget, make a plan for the future and generally be a hard working, tax paying, conscientious citizen of the world.

 

Instead I find myself with much more important work to do – Facebook work. I have to grow my crops, collect my rent and collapse coloured squares to oblivion.

 

It is time consuming yet gloriously distracting mundane work that is not going to amount to anything except the complete incompleteness of my tasks and goals.

 

And yet I find it hard to stop myself.  Again I look to myself for the scared of success post I wrote a couple of weeks ago now, and wonder, well know, that it is just another excuse.  Another waiting game I am playing with myself.  But it made me think about all my neighbours in these games, all my competitors I try to beat in the weekly challenges, what is it that they are hiding from, stalling to complete.

 

And then I thought even deeper about the very darkest times I have turned to my facebook indulgences, just to keep me going, literally, for five more minutes, until life becomes bearable again.  Small useless goals that give me a reason at (more…)

 

Strictly Spades Shovels Statistics and Suicide

On October 17, 2011, in Strictly Mental Health, Strictly Suicide, by Kathy Rees
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Sketchnotes from London IA - 19 April 2011 - Michael Blastland
Creative Commons License photo credit: futureshape

Suicide is one of the greyest areas of statistical reporting.  Often findings on autopsy or by coroner will read death by misadventure, an open finding, asphyxiation, blood loss.

 

It is time for us to call a spade a spade.  It does not save the family any more pain by having suicide written on the death certificate or autopsy report.  Suicide is paid by most insurance companies after a waiting period of 12 months.  There is no need to hide this anymore.

 

In effect what it does do, is hide an epidemic in rhetoric and grey language.  We cannot plan for services without accurate reported numbers of actual deaths by suicide.  We need clear language and clearer statistics to make any real inroads into this issue.  It’s not enough to have anecdotal evidence, even though in the right forum this can be influential and relevant.

 

When people crunch numbers for health services (that would be me) we look at reported cases, services available, cost to provide service versus the need for service and the cost benefit to the community.  From a realistic economic point of (more…)

 

Strictly Irrational Fear

On October 11, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, by Kathy Rees
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Planetary V
Creative Commons License photo credit: Therese N. Photography

I have an irrational fear of many things and I’ve also overcome many of them.  My fear of mushrooms for example – I had mushroom risotto tonight for dinner.  I don’t know why I fear mushrooms so badly but I couldn’t go near them for years.  Now – not so much.

 

Lately I’ve had an irrational fear of success and failure.  Not so sure that my fear of failure is so irrational, but as times as they are, it’s easy to be fearful about losing everything and not being able to provide.

 

Fear of success on the other hand, is far more absolutely irrational.  I found myself unable to write at all.  My head was full of ideas and characters, as it always is, but I could not bring myself to write any of it down.  I did not want to have it end, or have it on paper for someone to read and ridicule me, or worse, praise me and want to publish it and make me lots of money so all my fears would evaporate.

 

But the little voice says, what if you’re insanely successful and you have to write another novel, and you can’t, what do you do then?  What if people hate what you right, even though enough like it to make you (more…)

 

Strictly Choices

On October 10, 2011, in Strictly Emotional, by Kathy Rees
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Headlines.
Creative Commons License photo credit: tienvijftien

We make choices every day. Some of them good and some bad.  Today I made another choice.  I chose to stay home with my son, so stressed out about some homework, that we was crying uncontrollably for half an hour.  It’s not easy to explain to this choice to an employer.

 

I’ve had a bad run lately. Had to take several days off for sickness in kids, myself and some mental health days for my kids.  Grief is a fickle beast, it rears its head unexpectedly when you think it is dormant for the duration.  It’s not an easy choice to make – financial stability against emotional stability – but I made it again today.

 

This choice could have dire consequences for my family.  I might lose my job – but I hope I don’t – not yet anyway.  I don’t have a suitable replacement.  Being away from home for 12 hours a day is not ideal, especially when I’m not appreciated it for what I do.  I know we all have a wah about not being appreciated at work – it is a sign of the times I think.  Just do your job, it is what is expected, everyone has to go the extra mile, you can choose not to do this if you want, but employment security in today’s market demands it I think.

 

I’ll keep looking for work closer to home and if the worst happens, I’ll deal with it.  We will all deal with it as a family.  If I have to scale down I will.  There are lots if things that could be worse.

 

But the worst thing that I can imagine, is watching my child break emotionally, because I wasn’t there to support them.  That is the choice I will always make – I will be there if they need me, and let them deal with things, when they need to.

 

Not an easy choice to make in today’s world.  But I have made it now and as my dad used to say – now you suffer the consequences – whatever they may be.

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Strictly Monday

On September 26, 2011, in Strictly Living, by Kathy Rees
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I read in my twitter stream, groans about Monday.  I replied to some that maybe they needed to start it again.  And that there was always Tuesday.

 

Got me thinking while I was in the shower though (aren’t showers great for thinking and ideas) that Monday is a state of mind.  Yes, it’s the day that many of us return to jobs after a weekend with family, and a taste what life could be like if we didn’t have to work, but we do, (whatever that is for you, don’t get me started on what work is) so let’s move on.

 

Depending where you’re at on the work front, Monday is either joyous or arduous, and it often depends on the workload at hand, and this outlook can fluctuate.  Today for instance, I’m looking forward to getting all the travel (more…)

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