photo credit: I manu I

A friend asked me the other day what my plans for my life were now that I’m reaching the 5 year point without my husband and my answer surprised even me.

I told her that now I am just treading water.  The things that meant so much to me earlier in my life, are no longer my driving force.  Instead I am happy for the moment to work, I love love love my new job, get my masters in health administration and see what happens.

And what about love, moving on? They persisted.

If it happens, and I meet someone, great – if not great.  I am not actively seeking.  I’m happy with my life with the way it is right now and don’t want to disturb the peace I have achieved for myself or my children.  They are safe.  That is important.

The analogy I came up with is that I’ve just been for a great surf, got dumped really badly, and my body had to heal and I had to regain my courage.  I can still see the great waves and other people riding them, but for now I’m happy to stay in my calmish patch of the ocean and tread water and if nothing else happens to me here, then I’m OK.  I’m happy watcing the view and knowing that at least, I am still in the ocean.

Carry on

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I was saddened to read this report today about the death of a young girl, bullied to death, in that she took her own life after the school did not act against the bullies. It made me think though about duty of care, bullying, parental intervention and a whole plethora of associated issues.

Bullying may be a contributing factor to someone’s suicide, but there are also those of us who were bullied to within an inch of our lives and have lived to tell the tale, so what makes the difference?

The school is of course correct in formulating a zero tolerance policy, but again it’s after the horse has bolted, and won’t prevent other people from taking their own lives from peer pressure, or the pressures of daily life.

Some people, without being derogatory, are more sensitive than others, have more needs and react differently to what would be perceived as normal, which is, to man up and deal with it.  Some people just can’t do that, for whatever reason.

So through this policy, I see a crack of light, that maybe policy is changing to accommodate for those that cannot defend themselves, however we cannot lose sight of the fact that there were many more factors that contributed to this

girl’s death than just the bullying.  She did not have support around her to help her deal with the bullying and as harsh as it is to say, something else had made her weak, or unable to defend herself, unable to stand up for herself in that she let someone else take all of her power, her self esteem.

Is it the bully’s fault?  Partly.  Is it our fault for letting this girl slip through the cracks and ignore the pain she was in? Yes, someone let her go, didn’t intervene, refused to act.

This bullying policy is one action, but it has to backed up by our united actions, to not only have zero tolerance, but to bend down and pick those up who have already been nearly trodden to death.

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photo credit: Cameron Cassa

After a suicide you will hear phrases like “I never saw it coming”, “there were no clues”, “I didn’t know they were depressed”, “ouf of the blue”. So what is the key to seeing it coming, finding the clues and knowing what depression is? Hindsight.

What do I mean by hindsight? Hindsight is usually the knowledge and wisdom you get by looking behind you at the events leading up to the conclusion, in this case a suicide. So how can we use hindsight, as a tool?

Study your loved ones. If something seems out of character, unusual, they become quiet and reserved suddenly, or you notice it more and more, ask yourself what is going on now – don’t wait until after. This does not mean to turn into a paranoid nervous wreck, but it means to be aware.

Why do we ignore these changes in character? There are many reasons but I’ll outline the first few that I know.

1. We’re scared

We don’t like change.  We don’t like to face things that are hard.  We don’t want terrible things to happen to us or to our loved ones so even though there maybe a little nervous twitch in our bellies about something, we don’t act on it.

2. We may be wrong

There’s nothing worse than an intervention on someone who is perfectly fine and just having a bad day.  We don’t trust our own judgements or knowledge of a situation or the person in it.

3. We may be right

This section is not for the faint hearted but those who can be honest with themselves.  We may be right and we may want it to happen.  Sometimes situations are difficult and it seems that it would be easier if the person just wasn’t there anymore, they may be using it as leverage to manipulate you.  So go ahead and do it.

In any case, suicide is preventable.  But it takes enormous courage, not from those who are about to do it, but from those around them who can offer a hand but don’t, can’t or won’t.   If you can’t stop them or don’t have the personal tools to approach the person, find someone who can, talk to someone about your fears, let their doctor know that you think they may be depressed.  At least then, if the worst happens, you won’t be standing at the funeral saying “if  only I had done something”.

A final word, sometimes, even if you do ‘everything you can’, it’s still not enough. More on that in another post.

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photo credit: Grantsviews

When we had kids, we came to an arrangement.  I would do all the poo and vomit and he would do the teeth and nails, because I’m totally squeamish about teeth and nails.  I know, I don’t understand it either, but there you are.

So now I’m on my own, I get the full joy of pulling out those wobbly bleeding teeth of my now ten year old, who thankfully doesn’t have many of them left, but I’ve dealt with the last five years worth of them.  Also the cutting of the toe nails which I can never do right and almost always ends in tears, both of ours.  The ten year old for nearly losing his toes, and me for causing him so much pain and anguish and for being the one who has to do it even though we had a deal.

Last night I made myself some prawns.  I saw a really quick nice recipe on Everyday Italian and decided to try it.  I totally forgot about the preparation that goes into prawns when I bought six green prawns from the fishmonger.   When I unwrapped the package I was face to face, literally, with six green bug eyed prawns that I would now have to de-head, de-vein and then cook.  OMG another deal breaker I had forgotten all about.  Whenever we had prawns together, he would always de-head and de-vein them and I would cook them.  No wonder I haven’t made them myself for so long.  Funny the things you forget I guess.

Anyway I so didn’t want to eat the bloody prawns after I succesfully de-headed them and cleaned their tracts.  I also washed them for good measure, because I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten a bad prawn, but I have, and I choose death over eating another one.  So I am super careful and very suspect about every single prawn.

I ate five of the six once I’d grilled them and sauced them with pesto and lemon.  They were delicious I guess but they

made me feel sick as I was eating them, remembering the preparation I had to do.  If I’m to do it again, I will ask for them already done, but I think it will be a very long time before I do that again.

It got me thinking though how suicide itself is a deal breaker.  The worst of all marriage vows to break, aside from the small deals you make with each other, like the nails versus poo.  Til death do us part has been chosen by a partner, so miserable in your life that they chose death instead.  Pretty severe.  I’ve done my therapy and I believe it wasn’t because I was a bad wife, but there is always a hint of doubt I guess.  The most predominant emotion is anger, again, that above everything else he had promised to be with me, to help me raise our children, to open jars, fix the television, check out the weird noises at night and kill spiders.  All that is left to me now, and it sucks sometimes and I will have trouble ever believing another human being when they tell me, they’ll be here for me.

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photo credit: Mario Spann

Another unexpected bonus of being on your own, is household maintenance.  I have been fortunate in this regard in that my late husband taught me well so I can turn my hand at almost anything.

This weekend I will be fixing the decking boards, getting on the roof to clean the gutters and trim an overhanging tree then using the guerney to clean off the deck and the back patio.  At some point I need to oil the outside furniture but I’m tinkering with the idea of actually painting one set a gloss cream.  My daughters say no, that means I will probably do it.

However there are a few things that I can’t do.  My fridge/freezer has been broken since just before xmas and I’ve been

saving up for the repair guy to come out and take a look/fix it.  I almost had enough when the car battery died and had to be replaced.  The car was due for a service anyway, so in that went and now is purring like a kitten.  You look after your car, it looks after you.

I broke a light bulb in its socket in my warddrobe and after attempting to get the bayonet out (with the power off at the board my husband was a sparky) have bent it beyond all recognition so now need an electrician to come out and replace the whole fitting.  I actually know how to do this, but I’m too scared to do it.  So I’ll stumble around my wardrobe in the dark or with a torch until I can afford the service fee for the electrician.

My pool pump is also kaput so that’s also being saved up for.

People tell you that they’ll be there  ‘If you ever need anything….’ ‘ but when you do, invariably they can’t.  So I’ve stopped asking and am just doing things on my own when I can, the way I can.

Forgot to mention I’ll also be trimming the hedge and back garden with the hedge trimmer if I can get it to fire up.  Should be an interesting weekend.

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Suicide is a tragic waste.  I think we can all agree on that.  What I believe is more tragic is the community response to suicide.

There is a perception in the mainstream media that to talk about suicide will increase it.  This has been backed up by small increases in suicides after the suicides of popular celebrities (Coban for example). Suicide is seen as contagious to those who are vulnerable to influence.

How then, as a community can we act to protect, help or heal those vulnerable amongst us?  Rather than not talk about the disease that is killing a group of us, how can we talk to move change?

AIDS was not talked about for a long time, until its numbers increased to the point where all humanity was threatened, and then all of a sudden it was all anyone could talk about.  Suicide is, unfortunately, taking the same road, but no-one will talk about it.

Suicide accounts for the highest number of deaths among males 17-25 outside of motor vehicle accidents, and was the number two killer, for a while, of men 40-45.

These are only the clear cut cases we know about.  Reporting of suicides on death certificates, which then account for the ABS (statistics) figures are grey.

There seems to be a Darwinist stream that runs among us, where those who can survive turn a blind eye to those who aren’t ‘strong enough’ to make it.  Until this attitude changes amongst us as humans, suicide will always be ranked in the top 5 killers.

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Once you get married, it guarantees you a partner in life.  There’s always going to be someone there to scratch your back, pick you up when you fall over, encourage you through those hard times.

When your partner dies unexpectedly however, this changes everything.  Everything you thought about life, love and marriage has finished and you have to calve out a new life for yourself and your children.

When you have children, the burdens of your life have just doubled instantly.  It’s up to you alone to raise your children.  Something that you entered into as a partnership, now relies on you sailing solo to complete, and it scares you – a lot.

Whether your partner dies, or you separate through divorce, there is a grieving process that takes place.  You grieve for what you had, what you believed you would have, and what you thought your life, as a family, would be like.

While trying to cope with this grief, you also have the responsibility of caring for your children, immediately.  They don’t tend to wait, nor understand that you are upset over life’s more complex issues.

This means a huge amount of sacrifice on your part, the parent.  You need to put your feelings on the back burner while you make toast, get school lunches ready, sort out the house stuff, get to work and keep your career on track, get the kids to their after school activities – somehow, get home, talk to the kids about their day, get their homework done, discuss any peer issues they may be having, not to mention getting dinner on the table, then dealing with any household bills, getting the laundry on, and then – going to bed so you can do it all again tomorrow.

If this load isn’t enough, it is almost unbearable because your partner is not there to talk it over with, to share some of the load.  It is a crushing burden and you feel like you can’t make it on your own.

This is the time to forge your friendships and work on the ones that may have lapsed during your relationship phase.  You will need to have people around so you don’t feel so isolated.  You need to be able to phone a friend in times when it all feels too much to handle – and it will – often.

You need to have someone that you can talk to about your children’s issues so that you can judge that you’re doing the right thing.

Socialising is so important for you now more than ever.  Try not to burden your workmates with your domestic life, unless you have a close friend already at work that you can talk to about this stuff.  Otherwise, your work will suffer and your employer will get nervous about your ability to balance work and home.  I’ve seen it happen.  It’s harsh and true.

Try to make a day/evening a week or every two weeks that is just your time to get together with friends or go out to see a movie or whatever you choose.  It only needs to be a couple of hours, but make it happen and don’t let anything else take that time away from you i.e. don’t let one of your children’s activities take that time away from you.  Permanently book it in your diary.

This will allow you some special time to yourself to rejuvenate and indulge yourself.  It may be a nice meal out somewhere, a spa treatment, a coffee with friends.  Whatever it is, it will allow you that time to cope with the isolation that occurs when you are on your own with children.  It’s easy to put yourself second in this situation.  What you need to remember though, is that if you don’t function, the whole family will suffer.  You have to keep yourself on track, nourish and spoil yourself occasionally.  You need to make that time because your partner is no longer around to point it out to you, or spoil and surprise you, so you have to do it for yourself instead.

Initially this can make you feel a little sad.  But in the long run it’s the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.  Make a date with yourself and your friends to have some laughs and share the load of being on your own.  It will make the world of difference to your life.

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Children need discipline and a routine helps as well.  But when you’re on your own, this can be hard to manage.  It usually helps when there is someone there to back you up, to support your decisions, or to be the second voice against the arguments and debate that come from the children against their punishments.

Being alone in this can be a double edged sword.  At times it can be liberating because your word is law, what you say goes.  Usually the kids learn this and understand that whatever your decision is, it’s final.  Sometimes we don’t always agree with our spouse over matters of discipline or how to handle a situation and this can lead to arguments with each other, not to mention the arguments with the children.

So sometimes being alone in this is easier.  You miss out on a whole discussion on how to handle a matter.  You simply decide and then enforce.

But there are times when you just don’t know what to do, when you need to discuss scenarios with your partner or wonder what they would have wanted.  Or the child in question is particularly rebellious and you just can’t handle it on your own.

This is when being a single parent is extremely difficult and you need to put some steps in place to help you get through this.

Try to touch base with other parents in the same situation.  There are many single parent groups around now that can offer support and where friendships can be forged.

However not all of us have the time to devote to these groups or even want to.  That’s OK there are other avenues to investigate.  Lean on your friends, your children’s relatives, aunties and uncles, to help reinforce what you’re saying or back you up in the discipline department.

Your children’s friends are actually a great resource to use for backup.  Especially with the teenagers if they are trying to stretch the boundaries a little.  Check with their parents to see what they think about the situation, whether they are allowing their teenagers to attend an event or whatever the circumstances are.  You can use this in an argument for or against what you want.

Get yourself a counsellor that you can talk these issues over with openly without fear of what they are going to think of you.

Go online to parent forums.  It doesn’t have to be just for single parents either.  Just because you’re a single parent, it doesn’t exclude you from dual parenting advice.  Listen to what everyone is saying and how they handle situations and then take on what works for you and what you feel comfortable in being able to apply to your situation.

Children’s discipline is a hard issue for all parents no matter whether they are single or dual parenting.  The one thing all parents need to get right is for their children to understand their boundaries.  Once you set those boundaries in concrete, it won’t matter whether you are a single parent or whether that circumstance changes, your children will know exactly what they can and can’t get away with.

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If you’ve lost your partner through death, along with the normal emotions associated with grieving, the issue of mortality becomes more poignant and we realise that something may also happen to us and what will happen to the children if it does?  How would they cope?  Where would they live?

These questions can keep a single parent awake at night for hours, worrying about what will/could/should happen.  It’s natural.  As a single parent you take on all the burdens and worries.  So let’s look at how to deal with mortality.

Try to live your life consciously and to do what pleases you as much as you can that is practical in your circumstance.  Parenting takes the priority, as we know, but try to make that special time just for yourself so you can enjoy your own life along the way.

Make a will.  I haven’t met anyone who actually ever wanted to do this but once you have children, and you are the sole guardian, it is imperative that you leave clear instructions as to what is to happen to your children.

Find a guardian, either within the family or not.  Discuss the issue with the guardian and make sure they are happy to take on that responsibility, and then draw up a will outlining those instructions.

Let the children know.  This is really important to do even though it is probably something you never want to even discuss with them.

Children of single parent families due to death are far more aware of the potential loss of the remaining parent.  It is important for them to know that although nothing will probably happen to you, if it ever does, this is who will take care of them. It gives them a sense of security knowing that everything will be alright – just in case.

This is one of the hardest things that parents have to face but as a single parent, you owe it to yourself and your children to take care of this matter.  It will help you sleep at night knowing that it is taken care of.

Once the guardianship issue is dealt with, make sure your financial documents are in a safe place and your children or their guardian knows where that is.  Again the children will feel better knowing that their lives will still continue on in some form.  It’s a purely psychological measure, but it does help.

It will also help you in your level of worry.  Once the worst case scenario has been covered and you’ve put measures in place, it’s one less thing to keep you awake at night.  Believe me as a single parent, there will be plenty of other things to keep you awake as time goes on.

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When a relationship that has children involved breaks down, there are a lot of processes for everyone to go through.  The children are upset because their life has been turned upside down and they must adjust to sudden change.  However the parent is also suffering from extreme loss, disappointment and heartache.  In this they may also feel scared and worried about how they are going to cope in the future, how they are going to manage financially and also how they are going to manage the children’s emotional needs.

The most important person to take care of first is you, the parent.  If you don’t work, nothing does.  You need to deal with your emotions over the breakdown of your relationship first and foremost and as quickly as possible.  This is not easy to do, even without children, but once children are in the picture, you owe it to them, and yourself as a parent, to cope with these emotions as best as you can.  You need to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you had planned for yourself and your partner.

Then you need to re-formulate your plan for the future.  Don’t stress over this too much.  Looking too far ahead can cause unnecessary worry.  Concentrate on one month at a time for the first little while.  You will have too much on your plate to plan ahead to your children’s weddings and how you’re going to organise and pay for those.  I know you do it, because I do too.

I learned to breathe and get through the day, and sometimes that’s all you can do.  But you need to get through the day with the least amount of damage and emotional outbursts on your children.  It’s hard.  We all lose our tempers from time to time as a single parent, just from the normal pressure of the situation.  But when you’re dealing with emotions, these outbursts can be more significant and toxic to your environment.

You may not be able to ‘solve’ your issues for some time and that’s OK too.  What you need to do is find an outlet that allows you to ‘dump’ these emotions and worries somewhere that won’t affect your household.  Try exercising or meditating, taking long walks, listening to music, whatever it is that you think will allow you an emotional outlet.  A release valve.  This will help you manage your temper and the pressure times around dinner time and morning time when the pressure is on to get everyone out the door, or times when you feel especially tired.

You will need a lot of extra energy to deal with your children’s emotional responses to the situation and you have to keep your emotions out of it.  Listen and support them as much as possible but make sure your emotions don’t enter into the conversation.  To do this, you have to formulate a plan that makes sure this doesn’t happen.

Engage a counsellor or join a support group where you can air your grievances and resolve some of your own issues or talk about your worry for the future. Let your family help you or don’t be afraid to ask for help, like asking one of your family members to take them for dinner one night during the week, so you can have a breather.

A combination of one or more of these measures will help you, the parent, balance yourself and manage your family.  Changes need to evolve and there are always teething problems.  Ensure that your emotions are one area that you take control of, so they don’t take control of the situation.

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