A friend asked me the other day what my plans for my life were now that I’m reaching the 5 year point without my husband and my answer surprised even me.
I told her that now I am just treading water. The things that meant so much to me earlier in my life, are no longer my driving force. Instead I am happy for the (more…)
photo credit: woodleywonderworks
I was saddened to read this report today about the death of a young girl, bullied to death, in that she took her own life after the school did not act against the bullies. It made me think though about duty of care, bullying, parental intervention and a whole plethora of associated issues.
Bullying may be a contributing factor to someone’s suicide, but there are also those of us who were bullied to within an inch of our lives and have lived to tell the tale, so what makes the difference?
The school is of course correct in formulating a zero tolerance policy, but again it’s after the horse has bolted, and won’t prevent other people from taking their own lives from peer pressure, or the pressures of daily life.
Some people, without being derogatory, are more sensitive than others, have more needs and react differently to what would be perceived as normal, which is, to man up and deal with it. Some people just can’t do that, for whatever reason.
So through this policy, I see a crack of light, that maybe policy is changing to accommodate for those that cannot defend themselves, however we cannot lose sight of the fact that there were many more factors that contributed to this
photo credit: Cameron Cassa
After a suicide you will hear phrases like “I never saw it coming”, “there were no clues”, “I didn’t know they were depressed”, “ouf of the blue”. So what is the key to seeing it coming, finding the clues and knowing what depression is? Hindsight.
What do I mean by hindsight? Hindsight is usually the knowledge and wisdom you get by looking behind you at the events leading up to the conclusion, in this case a suicide. So how can we use hindsight, as a tool?
Study your loved ones. If something seems out of character, unusual, they become quiet and reserved suddenly, or you notice it more and more, ask yourself what is going on now – don’t wait until after. This does not mean to turn into a paranoid nervous wreck, but it means to be aware.
Why do we ignore these changes in character? There are many reasons but I’ll outline the first few that I know.
1. We’re scared
We don’t like change. We don’t like to face things that are hard. We don’t want terrible things to happen to us or to our (more…)
photo credit: Grantsviews
When we had kids, we came to an arrangement. I would do all the poo and vomit and he would do the teeth and nails, because I’m totally squeamish about teeth and nails. I know, I don’t understand it either, but there you are.
So now I’m on my own, I get the full joy of pulling out those wobbly bleeding teeth of my now ten year old, who thankfully doesn’t have many of them left, but I’ve dealt with the last five years worth of them. Also the cutting of the toe nails which I can never do right and almost always ends in tears, both of ours. The ten year old for nearly losing his toes, and me for causing him so much pain and anguish and for being the one who has to do it even though we had a deal.
Last night I made myself some prawns. I saw a really quick nice recipe on Everyday Italian and decided to try it. I totally forgot about the preparation that goes into prawns when I bought six green prawns from the fishmonger. When I unwrapped the package I was face to face, literally, with six green bug eyed prawns that I would now have to de-head, de-vein and then cook. OMG another deal breaker I had forgotten all about. Whenever we had prawns together, he would always de-head and de-vein them and I would cook them. No wonder I haven’t made them myself for so long. Funny the things you forget I guess.
Anyway I so didn’t want to eat the bloody prawns after I succesfully de-headed them and cleaned their tracts. I also washed them for good measure, because I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten a bad prawn, but I have, and I choose death over eating another one. So I am super careful and very suspect about every single prawn.
I ate five of the six once I’d grilled them and sauced them with pesto and lemon. They were delicious I guess but they
photo credit: Mario Spann
Another unexpected bonus of being on your own, is household maintenance. I have been fortunate in this regard in that my late husband taught me well so I can turn my hand at almost anything.
This weekend I will be fixing the decking boards, getting on the roof to clean the gutters and trim an overhanging tree then using the guerney to clean off the deck and the back patio. At some point I need to oil the outside furniture but I’m tinkering with the idea of actually painting one set a gloss cream. My daughters say no, that means I will probably do it.
However there are a few things that I can’t do. My fridge/freezer has been broken since just before xmas and I’ve been
Suicide is a tragic waste. I think we can all agree on that. What I believe is more tragic is the community response to suicide.
There is a perception in the mainstream media that to talk about suicide will increase it. This has been backed up by small increases in suicides after the suicides of popular celebrities (Coban for example). Suicide is seen as contagious to those who are vulnerable to influence.
How then, as a community can we act to protect, help or heal those vulnerable amongst us? Rather than not talk about the disease that is killing a group of us, how can we talk to move change?
AIDS was not talked about for a long time, until its numbers increased to the point where all humanity was threatened, and then all of a sudden it was all anyone could talk about. Suicide is, unfortunately, taking the same road, but no-one will talk about it.
Suicide accounts for the highest number of deaths among males 17-25 outside of motor vehicle accidents, and was the number two killer, for a while, of men 40-45.
These are only the clear cut cases we know about. Reporting of suicides on death certificates, which then account for the ABS (statistics) figures are grey.
There seems to be a Darwinist stream that runs among us, where those who can survive turn a blind eye to those who aren’t ‘strong enough’ to make it. Until this attitude changes amongst us as humans, suicide will always be ranked in the top 5 killers.
Once you get married, it guarantees you a partner in life. There’s always going to be someone there to scratch your back, pick you up when you fall over, encourage you through those hard times.
When your partner dies unexpectedly however, this changes everything. Everything you thought about life, love and marriage has finished and you have to calve out a new life for yourself and your children.
When you have children, the burdens of your life have just doubled instantly. It’s up to you alone to raise your children. Something that you entered into as a partnership, now relies on you sailing solo to complete, and it scares you – a lot.
Whether your partner dies, or you separate through divorce, there is a grieving process that takes place. You grieve for what you had, what you believed you would have, and what you thought your life, as a family, would be like.
While trying to cope with this grief, you also have the responsibility of caring for your children, immediately. They don’t tend to wait, nor understand that you are upset over life’s more complex issues.
This means a huge amount of sacrifice on your part, the parent. You need to put your feelings on the back burner while you make toast, get school lunches ready, sort out the house stuff, get to work and keep your career on track, get the kids to their after school activities – somehow, get home, talk to the kids about their day, get their homework done, (more…)
Children need discipline and a routine helps as well. But when you’re on your own, this can be hard to manage. It usually helps when there is someone there to back you up, to support your decisions, or to be the second voice against the arguments and debate that come from the children against their punishments.
Being alone in this can be a double edged sword. At times it can be liberating because your word is law, what you say goes. Usually the kids learn this and understand that whatever your decision is, it’s final. Sometimes we don’t always agree with our spouse over matters of discipline or how to handle a situation and this can lead to arguments with each (more…)
If you’ve lost your partner through death, along with the normal emotions associated with grieving, the issue of mortality becomes more poignant and we realise that something may also happen to us and what will happen to the children if it does? How would they cope? Where would they live?
These questions can keep a single parent awake at night for hours, worrying about what will/could/should happen. It’s natural. As a single parent you take on all the burdens and worries. So let’s look at how to deal with mortality.
Try to live your life consciously and to do what pleases you as much as you can that is practical in your circumstance. Parenting takes the priority, as we know, but try to make that special time just for yourself so you can enjoy your own (more…)
